June 2010
By Dr. Lauren Muhlheim

Forging close friendships with diverse individuals is one of the rewards of expat life. The hard part comes when we need to say goodbye.
 
MY FRIEND DEBBIE didn’t want to go. Over the past two years, she has seen several close friends leave Shanghai, and the last of the original group, Susan, was next. “I don’t want to go to another goodbye lunch. I can’t do it, it’s too sad.”

Much has been written about moving overseas. We’ve all read about the different stages of acculturation and culture shock, as well as the difficulties of repatriation. Less has been written about what happens to those of us left behind when friends move on.

In my conversations with people over the years, I often hear that the emotional adjustments are more difficult for those left behind than the ones who are packing up and moving on.  

Many agree that friendships are particularly important for women. Psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller believes that a woman’s sense of self is dependent upon her ability to maintain relationships. She wrote, “Eventually for many women, the threat of disruption of connection is perceived not as a loss of a relationship,  but as something closer to a total loss of self,” in Toward a New Psychology of Women (1986).

Friends are valuable. They provide company, purpose, and a sense of belonging and self-worth. They help us through the tough times and are there to celebrate our triumphs. They also help us complete tasks. Research indicates that supportive relationships generally enhance physical and psychological well being.

Living in a foreign culture as we do, our friendships take on added importance. Most expatriate families leave their support systems behind when they come overseas. They may include family, friends, babysitters, medical specialists, counselors, business contacts and virtually anyone we would normally turn to for assistance. As a result, expatriate families tend to reach out to each other for support. As strangers in a strange land, our bonds are even tighter.
 
We strongly depend on these friendships for support but because expatriates are so transient, we must also deal with their loss. According to Third Culture Kids, a widely read book by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken about growing up “among worlds,” expatriates have different ways of dealing with the transient nature of friendships while living overseas. Some jump quickly into relationships while others are more cautious. Frequent painful goodbyes make some unwilling to risk emotional involvement and subsequent sense of loss.

To protect ourselves from this pain, Third Culture Kids outlines three types of maladaptive coping styles. Some may consciously avoid developing close friendships to avoid the pain of grief when their friends leave. These people end up with a pain of loneliness even greater than the one they are running from.

A second protective response is the “quick release,” or letting go of friends too soon. They may stop calling, visiting or spending time with their friend and act as if the friend is already gone well in advance of their departure.

A third response is refusing to feel the pain. Some people don’t acknowledge the hurt feelings they have to others or even themselves.Here are some better ways of coping with the loss:

How should we cope?

Say goodbye

It’s very important to say goodbye to significant people in our lives. The goodbye lunch, though dreaded, is one way. It’s a ritual that acknowledges the importance of the relationship and allows you to say, “Thank you for being an important person in my life. I will miss you.”

Express your feelings

Losses inevitably result in grief. It’s normal to feel sad and it’s far better to express those feelings than to keep them bottled inside. Writing a goodbye note and letting your friend know you’ll miss her is a good way to do this. Keeping a journal is another method.

Remain open to new friendships

It’s easy to say, “I already have a group, I don’t need any one else” when you’ve formed your circle of close friends. But try not to shut yourself off from making new ones. Those best friends of yours may be on the next container shipment out to Shanghai. It’s also great to have multiple groups of friends as an insurance policy. Similarly, keep connected to those whom you care about back home or even those from the past who now live elsewhere.

As she discussed her sadness over her friend leaving, Debbie added, “I just met a new family. My daughter has a friend and I met the mother and she seems very nice.” Reach out to new families who have arrived. It’s a good opportunity to help them out and there’s a better chance of them staying longer than you!

Take care of yourself

During times of change and stress, it’s more important to take good care of yourself through exercise, good nutrition, regular sleep and a little pampering. Research shows that engaging in pleasurable activities boosts a person’s mood while staying at home and moping sets one up for a cycle of depression.

Use the support network

If you and the person who is leaving had a group of friends in common or were a part of particular community, it can be healing for those remaining friends to come together and support one another. If that’s not the case, it can still be helpful to share your feelings with someone who can be supportive. This will reduce feelings of isolation. Talk about your feelings of sadness. When others express feelings of sadness, express empathy and allow them to feel sad instead of trying to cheer them up. This can hinder the expression of feelings.

Stay in touch

As expatriates, we have a beautiful opportunity to make connections with a rich variety of people. The problem with so many relationships is that they can’t all be maintained. Consider yourself fortunate to have this kind of a problem! There are so many resources to help you stay in touch – email, blogs, and social networking sites all keep us closer. Even though I haven’t seen some college roommates in ten years, I know every time I open up Facebook, I can see their smiling faces.

Rely on family members

When friendships are in flux, it can be a good time to pull more tightly with your family or spouse. Use them for support during times of transition.

A positive framework

We must accept that pain is part of life. If out of fear we don’t take risks, and if we shut ourselves off from opportunities, we will impoverish our lives. Friendships make our lives meaningful. It may be helpful to remember the proverb, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I like to think that every friend who touches us lives on inside us.